The situation hurt and is currently hurting me mentally, and the angry yelling could get me hurt or arrested if I did it towards the wrong person. I'm also certain getting yelled at weighs negatively upon people's visitor experiences. Unfortunately I generally only realize I have to step back and calm down when things have already escalated. I need to work on prevent the escalation part.
I yelled at someone early in the pandemic. It happens to us all sometimes. It's been a long time of cumulative, chronic stress. But, you recognise that these are things you want to work on, that's the first step. It may not feel like it but you're doing good and taking those first steps. That's going to be hard, but the more you do it the more you'll get used to things again. We're all in this difficult time, and some are further along the path than others.
Hi KevinB, Regarding zoo visits, planning ahead can help, have you tried visiting at quieter times? perhaps mid week and later in the day when school groups are heading home? Obviously keep away from crowds and maybe identify quite areas in the zoo that you can go to for a break if things get too much. It might be worth contacting a zoo, some attractions sign-up to some kind of 'autism friendly scheme' (for want of a better term) and they maybe able to offer some advice or assistance. If noisy people are contributing to your anxiety ear plugs might help, listening to music can help too. Finally, don't feel you have to stay and see everything if you're feeling uncomfortable. Your zoo visit is something to enjoy so if you're not enjoying it leave and try another day. Hope there's something there that's of use to you.
Homeschool -my marks became worse F_ing immunity card -I can't buy a pass to Budapest Zoo without parents Travel restrictions -I haven't visited Schönbrunn Zoo and haven't been in Croatia with my family. Locking down hospitals -I haven't seen my grandfather in his last weeks... He died in cancer. I account myself lucky because nobody in my family and friends died in Covid. Covid s_cks!
Very sorry to hear about your grandfather I hope life can begin to return to somewhat normal for you and your family soon enough, for what little that may be worth. ~Thylo
I'm sorry to be ranting here again, but I just need to get this off my chest. After a few zoo visits earlier this month that went relatively ok, today a visit to Planckendael turned out disastrously. I had another major breakdown/meltdown, in fact probably the worst so far. And I feel really bad about not having felt it coming or being able to break it up or stop it for quite some time. I failed big time in a lot of different ways, and I'm extremely angry with myself for that. Instead of getting better, things seem to only be getting worse with regards to me dealing with the stress of being around people in the current phase of the pandemic. What happened today should never have happened, and I really, really don't want to give up on my zoo hobby. But at this point I really don't know anymore what I can or should do to save it, or if in fact it is actually still possible to save it at this point. I am only a hair away from totally giving up on it, however miserable that would make things for me. I really don't want Covid-19 to destroy my zoo hobby, but at this point it looks highly likely it already has. And I don't know what, if anything, can still be repaired.
I think perhaps you are not accepting the profound experience we are having of a pandemic. Like WW1 or the Black Death this is society- and life-changing. Things are changing more rapidly and radically than you are ready to accept. Many are having a difficult time with that; trying so hard to return to an earlier time and earlier behaviors. But that is not where we are. And we are not going "back," we are going forward... to...where? We can't know. With any luck you will enjoy a long life. You may have to avoid zoos for quite some time. Eventually you might feel grounded enough to return. It is not the end of things, even though it feels as if it is. Let go for now and find peace where you can (as you were working on a year ago). Not only is society changing; so are you. You don't know who you can become. It has been proven time and time again by many people: if you turn your attention to doing good for others, you will feel less stressed and sad and angry about yourself. It takes work and practice.
I am definitely struggling with the direction and the pace of change in this phase of the pandemic, as well as with the way people are dealing with those rules (which in too many cases means not adhering to them). I really want to find a solution, but right now to be honest I just don't even really know where to begin. I don't even know whether I deserve or should ever give myself another chance, even though I do really want one. I really don't know what "finding peace" or "doing good for others" (or myself) should be like, and I need to find out ASAP. I will definitely not be visiting zoos again for some time (at least several weeks). I am as of yet undecided whether I should allow myself to continue with processing photos and/or fantasy zoo stuff. On the one side it could help me destress, but it could also remind me of what happened. Somewhat unfortunately I do have a bit of a deadline to find solutions. I have a planned and booked zoo visit, with resort stay, in early September with family members that I cannot really get out of (and also don't really want to if I can help it). And that is not even taking into account the uncertainty about the Covid situation. Some people at some levels of government here in Belgium still want to lift most or all Covid restrictions on September 1st, despite the warnings of experts. Hopefully they will be somewhat sobered by the examples of the Netherlands, England/the UK and Spain. But I'm worried about what the unknown things still to come.
Are your family members supportive? Can they assist you in staying calm, withholding judgements and anger and having a good time? I must confess I do not understand it when someone says "I don't even know whether I deserve or should ever give myself another chance," What terrible sins have you committed to be so damned? How did you get to be so special? Look, with any luck you have a long life ahead of you. At some point this will seem long ago and far away. I am more than twice your age. A long time ago I was in an airplane crash off of Tierra del Fuego. Lots of people died. A month later I had the opportunity to go to the Amazon for a couple of weeks for an amazing rain forest adventure I was terrified of flying again but I went. It was very worth it! And now that all feels very far away and long ago (although I will admit that when I tell the story - which is very rarely - I get very anxious even now. But I fly)
Support of family members is definitely something we will be looking into. With regards to what I did: not something especially evil, but it is that I just keep on expressing irritation or frustration in inappropriate ways and keep having major meltdowns where I just can't function normally or think straight for a while. Today I also said some disturbing and highly inappropriate things that if the wrong person overheard them could potentially see me get arrested and sent to court and quite possibly put in prison or in an institution for violating laws on hate speech, threatening speech or public order offences. This incident could have caused me to loose most if not all of the things that matter to me. So that is definitely something that should not ever happen again. What I did was completely unacceptable behavior and the next time it could land me in very hot water. So there cannot be a repeat of this, ever. I am also deeply ashamed for my mother, who was with me, having to be seen in public with me in such a state. I regret intensely that it happened and that I was not able to prevent or control it as I should have. I messed up extremely badly and I probably deserve to suffer seriously for what I did. I don't think I deserve to be in a zoo again before I know I can prevent things from getting out of hand like that again. I made an enormous mistake and I will need to make some serious changes before I should allow myself to even think about taking the risk of going to a zoo again.
I assume that if you could control these urges you would, so how are you responsible? I also assume you have spoke with professionals to get help with these challenges. Here in the USA they would have you on so many behavior modification drugs that you wouldn't care if you ever saw a zoo!
Depending on the person, that could also get you some severe physical injuries. Here in Spain a guy have lost the vision on one eye after tell off a guy without facemask: Man suspected of assaulting nurse on Madrid Metro after argument over face masks arrested by police
I've heard plenty of stories like this in the news unfortunately. One more reason why I need to massively improve how I deal with things, so something like this has the lowest possible chance of happening again. The more I think about it the clearer it becomes to me what the issues are, but the fewer answers I have about what I could or should do. I really hope I can find some answers soon, because I will need them quickly if I want to have any chance of salvaging my zoo hobby. I absolutely want to save my hobby, but right now I just don't know if I'm going to be smart or strong of mind enough to manage it.
As I have said many, many times from my personal viewpoint as another autistic Zoochatter, you are not alone and there are people here who know what it is like for you, and who deal with the same anxieties and compulsions. Believe me when I say that NO ONE "deserves to suffer seriously" purely because they are autistic like ourselves, and that includes you.
I wouldn't worry about it or overthink it as we all make mistakes and get angry during trying times when our nerves are frayed.
Over 24 hours after the incident now and much of the anger has given way to overthinking (though not coming up with much), disappointment, uncertainty and anxiety over future outings. I think I'm mostly over the feeling that what I did is something irredeemably or unforgivably bad, but I am still upset and very disappointed over what took place. I do want to move on and save my zoo hobby - if it can still be saved, which I'm not even sure about - but I realize that I will need to do and change some things, which will not be easy and which I'm not sure I am smart or mentally strong enough to manage. At this point I do not even know where to start to make improvements to ensure things like this will not not happen again. For the time being I now feel afraid to leave my house, even for a walk, anxious as I am about getting into further accidents. It seems like zoo visits are unlikely to happen for quite some time, even if I wanted them (which for the time being I don't and shouldn't). What has happened and how I'm feeling is already a lot of punishment and suffering, so I don't think I really need too much more, and should probably focus on trying to find improvements and solutions. If there is going to be any additional punishment it will be destroying all the photos I took yesterday, which I think would not be undeserved or disproportional. If I can manage it I am going to try and find some relaxation and distraction in some fantasy zoo stuff and some gallery postings, and probably a bit of reading too.
@KevinB - accept the support and friendship that has been so kindly offered. Do not insist on doing this all by yourself
I definitely accept and appreciate the support and am trying to take from it whatever I can to help me. I am trying to not be too hard on myself, but there is no denying I have some work that needs to be done. I cannot and should not just move on from on this without making any changes and improvements. I want things to get better for me again, but it won't happen if I don't do some serious work.
